SANTA VS. THE CHIPLETS BOOK III
THE THRESHOLD OF HELL
by
Gabriel R. Lopez


EXT. PARKING LOT DEBRIS FIELD
Squeaky and the Chiplets are regaining their composure after their valiant escape from the cat from hell.


CALVIN
Ok, that’s it. From hear on out we’re using the buddy system. Because I can’t keep everyone, and myself out of trouble.

AGADOR
What’s the buddy system.

CALVIN
Everyone looks out for themselves and someone else. I’ll keep track of Mimas. Mimas will keep track of you and you can keep a look out for me.

AGADOR
What about squeaky?

CALVIN
Ugg. Fine, I’ll look out for Mimas, you look out for squeaky and squeaky will keep track of…wait. Nevermind, this is too confusing. Just pick someone to look after and keep them out of trouble.

Cut to

EXT. Bus stop near the Meadows mall. Camera zooms under the covered bench and follow the chiplets as they force their way through a chain link fence along the back of the bus stop. It is nearly impossible for anything larger than a squirrel to take a shortcut through the fence to a grassy meadow on the other side of the fence, to reach the parking lot. The Chiplets, and Squeaky force their way through the fence onto a small creek. The group walks along the edge of the creek and crosses a stone path to a grass park.

MIMAS
I don’t get it, what’s so special about this guy. I mean, sure he’s a bajilionare, but so is the president. Why can’t we just ask the president for food, money, and a place to stay?

CALVIN
Because, Santa is keeping it real. He hasn’t been corrupted by the greed driven economy of corporate America. And, he’s a socialist. That’s just one step away from being a communist.

MIMAS
No, he’s a capitalist. He runs the coca-cola corporation, and uses the toys and consumer fantasy to sell drugs to little kids. And, for the last time, you are not a communist.

CALVIN
Prove it.

AGADOR
I’m gonna’ ask Santa for gummy bears…and jellybeans, and a mansion, and a momma.

MIMAS
Oh great, now you got him doing it.

AGADOR
Look, a road!

MIMAS
(sarcasm) Wonderful, more cars.



CALVIN
No need to worry, the cars have to stop at that white line up there. Then we can follow the double yellow line. It has to lead somewhere.

MIMAS
(sarcasm, mocking Calvin) I Know why don’t we just cross through the parking lot. They always lead somewhere with food, and then we’ll just-.


AGADOR
Guys! I think I spotted the mall!

Calvin turns his attention back to Agador.

CALVIN
Where, I can’t see it.

AGADOR
See, it’s over there. You can‘t tell because it looks like a movie theater.

CALVIN
boy, humans have no imagination. Say Squeaky, what’s that like.

MOUSE
Squeak?

MIMAS
Hey, leave the critter alone. It’s not his fault he’s stupid.

CALVIN
Awe, that’s so cute. You two have something in common.

MIMAS
Die Pinko!

Mimas lunges at Calvin and the two of them brawl.

AGADOR
Now squeaky, I want you to see how a positive thought is a thousand times more powerful than stinkin’ thinking.

MOUSE
Squeak?

Agador starts singing Yellowcard’s believe acapella.

AGADOR
“Think about the love inside the strength of heart, think about the hero saving light in the dark,” think about the jelly beans, and cute bunnies, and God is love.

Remember all the joy inside and…and ooh lah lah

The fight between Calvin and Mimas spills over and Calvin pushes Agador to the ground. Agador starts crying.

AGADOR
Waaaaaaaah! I’m telling Santa.

MOUSE
Chu?

AGADOR
C’mon squeaky, we’re going to meet Santa all by our selves.

Squeaky looks back at the brawling chiplets. After five seconds of continued brawling they break apart and stop brawling. After this exchange keep Calvin’s head at a ¾ view facing the camera to hide a small bald spot to be revealed later.

MIMAS
Wait. Calvin stop.

Calvin socks Mimas in the jaw, and chips his tooth.



MIMAS
I said stop Mussolini. You broke my tooth.

CALVIN
Oh quit whining, it I’ll grow back.

MIMAS
Where’s Aggie?

Tires squealing, a horn honking and an automobile accident can be heard in the distance.

CALVIN
Oh my god!

MIMAS
No way!

FADE OUT

EXT. PARKING LOT
The boys are looking over the wreckage which mostly consists of broken glass and a side view mirror in search of Agador. Calvin picks up a small cats eye mirror that rolls past. Calvin hugs the mirror to himself. Calvin is being overdramatic.

CALVIN
(sob) I‘m so sorry.

MIMAS
(places hand on Calvin’s shoulder)wow, karma’s bitch.

AGADOR
(o.s.)What cha’ guys looking at?

The camera pulls back to reveal a minor accident, no injuries or casualties as a truck is firmly planted into a parked Kia Sephia. Calvin brings his hand up to cover a part of his head facing away from the camera.

CALVIN
M-my hair.


MIMAS
Don’t worry it’ll grow back.

Calvin pulls his hand away to reveal the bald spot

CALVIN
Shut up dude!


Calvin is still holding the cats eye mirror which makes the bald spot appear larger than it really is.

AGADOR
Woah dude, you need a hat.

MIMAS
I dunno’ I think it kinda’ looks like Jesus.

CALVIN
I thought you were blind.

AGADOR
(cheering) It’s a Christmas miracle.

MOUSE
Chu?

DRIVER/CAVEMAN
(on cell phone)…look, I don’t have time to wait around for the police. I’m already running late for the flight as it is. Just get someone out here to pick me up, I’m going to leave my contact information and- Jesus Christ!


PHONE
Caveman?

DRIVER/CAVEMAN
You‘re never going to believe this, the chipmunk that ran in front of my car… has scar in the shape of Jesus Christ.

CALVIN
Um… I think we better get out of here.

PHONE
This isn’t like the time you heard chipmunks talking to you the burger hut again is it?

DRIVER/CAVEMAN
No…Dude, this is completely different, I swear.

PHONE
And where is the chipmunk now?

DRIVER/CAVEMAN
Oh, he and the others are heading toward the mall.

PHONE
Others?

DRIVER/CAVEMAN
Yeah, there’s four of them this time… I think one of them is a mouse.

PHONE
Riiiight.

FADE OUT

EXT.GLASS DOORS MEADOWS MALL(outside the food court)
The camera is at an extreme low angle giving a Citizen Kane look for the doors and a cowboy shot view of the four rodents of the apocalypse. Calvin is looking up at the doors cocking his head to the right.

MIMAS
This is impossible.

MOUSE
(nodding in agreement)Chu.

CALVIN
You’re just a cynic. There’s always a way in.

AGADOR
Look, a button!

The camera follows Aggie and the others as they move toward the handicap button along the threshold.

CALVIN
See.

MIMAS
It’s to high, we’ll never reach it.

CALVIN
Then it’s a good thing I’m in charge, Mr. Adolph Quitler.

MIMAS
(fake Russian/boris accent)then tell me oh fearless leader, how we are to be getting in.

CALVIN
Same as always…

CUT TO

Close front shot of Mimas holding up a pair of feet on his shoulders. The back of Agador’s tail is dangling next to his head.

MIMAS
I’m telling you this isn’t going to work.

Mimas “oofs” as Agador’s tail brushes past his face. This is followed by a light sneeze the camera pulls back or cuts to reveal a side view three rodent tower with the mouse on top. We see Calvin watching from the sidelines hunched over like a squirrel as Mimas and the others regain their balance.

CALVIN
With that kind of attitude you’ll never be in charge.


Calvin pops his neck and back before stretching his legs. Calvin then spits in his hands before wiping them on his belly.

CALVIN
(cont’d)ready or not here I come.

Calvin then runs toward the rodent tower, with a running hop he uses Agador as a spring board, twists around and hops on the wall. The tower has already started to collapse when Calvin rebounds from the wall bounces off of the mouse, before twisting around and head butting the button for the door. The tower of rodents and Calvin collapse to the ground in a heap. The camera cuts to a shot of all the team laying on the pavement. (a second angle from a birds eye view)

MIMAS
(exhausted) Hey Calvin.

CALVIN
(in pain) what?

MIMAS
(still exhausted)The door’s open.

CALVIN
(still in pain) just drag me in.

INT.FOOD COURT
On the outskirts of the food court by the door the team, peaking from behind a wall, observe that the food court is packed.


AGADOR
I don’t see Santa.

MIMAS
Yeah. nothing but people, and they‘re all hungry.

CALVIN
Well, I‘m sure he‘s not eating anything, he has to save room for all the milk and cookies.


AGADOR
Then how are we going to find him?

CALVIN
We’re going to search every corner of the mall until we find him, and if that don’t work we’re going to climb to the roof and wait for him in his sleigh.

MIMAS
But, if his sleigh is on the roof why bother looking for him at all?

AGADOR
Because reindeer are mean. don’t you remember the story of Rudolph?

CALVIN
Shake your booty everybody it’s time to move.

The four rodents squirrel their way through the eating area of the food court, causing diners to scream, jump up, spill drinks, and at least one person to drop his tray as he falls to the ground.

A/N: This scene will take some effort to get the right reaction from the actors and extras, so I recommended that random chairs in the food court be rigged to goose the extra’s or actors so they are genuinely surprised.

INT.MEADOWS MALL (second floor balcony)
The chiplets are sitting balanced on the banister that borders the overlook of the first floor. Calvin points to an area off camera.

CALVIN
There he is! It’s Santa.

AGADOR
Hey Santa! Santa! Over here!

Mimas tugs on Aggie’s ear.

AGADOR
Ow!

MIMAS
There’s a line stupid.

CALVIN
Hey. I thought we agreed, no more name calling.

MIMAS
No, the arrangement was to stop making fun of your stupid hair. By the way the comb over looks fabulous.


CALVIN
Shut up… where’s the mouse?


MIMAS
Lost him in the food court somewhere.

CALVIN
Feh, Didn’t like him anyway.

AGADOR
You don’t think he’s lost do you?

CALVIN
Bubba please, He’s not smart enough to get lost.

MOUSE
Chu!

Between two and three feet Bellow Calvin and the others position on the second floor, squeaky looks up at Calvin and the others.


AGADOR
(glee)Squeaky! You found us! Good boy.


Agador hops off the balcony and gives squeaky a hug. On the balcony Calvin nudges Mimas in the ribs.

CALVIN
I think I figured out a way to get past the guards.

MIMAS
Gaurds?… (do) you mean the vulcans?

CALVIN
Yeah.

MIMAS
Will you be taking advantage of your size to go completely unnoticed?

CALVIN
No, I’ll use sweet talk.

MIMAS
Sweet talk?

CALVIN
Yeah, I saw a guy do it at a bar once.

MIMAS
I know what sweet talk is Calvin. And I’m pretty sure it’s to illogical to work on Vulcans.

CALVIN
You don’t know that… watch.

Calvin runs squirrel style along the banister off camera.

CUT TO

Calvin runs into the frame of the camera, on the other side of the overlook. Once in center frame Calvin stops and turns his head and looks over his shoulder across the overlook. In the background, slightly out of focus we can see Mimas on the other banister giving Calvin a thumbs up. Calvin positions himself facing the camera. After a moment of hesitation he jumps. The camera follows him as he lands on a stanchion squirrels across a velvet rope past a row of children playing an assorted variety of handheld gaming systems completely unnoticed. Positioning himself on a stanchion next to a mildly uninterested and completely bored teenage girl dressed as an elf.

CALVIN
Hello there sassy girl.

The elf girl, ignores Calvin entirely, unconcerned she doesn’t eve blink. The elf girl tries to pick something from her teeth using her fingernail.

CALVIN
*clears throat* (speaking louder) I said, hello there sassy girl.

This time Calvin does get the elf’s attention.

ELF
EEEEK! RAT!

In an effort to back away the elf trips over a power cord and falls into the Christmas tree which topples over causing all sorts of chaos. The camera then focuses back on Calvin who winces, falls off the stanchion as he backs away and lands on his butt. Looking up with a cutest I’m sorry expression he could muster.

CALVIN
Oops.

A glass balls whizzes past Calvin and shatters.

CALVIN
(cont’d)Chill baby girl, it’s all good.

Calvin makes a wha-oh sound as another ball heads his way. Calvin avoids three more glass balls and avoids shattered glass as he runs toward the overlook and braces himself and slides before doubling back and hiding behind the side of the overlook with Mimas and the others. Breathing heavily he turns to look at Mimas.

MIMAS
Way to go Romeo.

CALVIN
(out of breath) shut up.(gasp)

FADE OUT

Against a black background we see an extreme close up of a red Gummi bear. Extreme only because the Gummi bear Bouncing merrily across the screen is seen from the shoulders up. Heading left until it comes across a green Gummi bear. Both Gummi bears are being manipulated like puppets.

RED
Hiya Buffy!

GREEN
Hey Kent!

RED
Wanna’ go for a ride?

GREEN
Ok!

INT.TOY STORE
The camera pulls back to reveal Squeaky and Agador playing with the gummi-bears as he starts humming several bars of Barbie girl. They are sitting beside several open boxes of toys. Calvin and Mimas are arguing as the camera is combing over a varied selection of open doll boxes. Cal and Mimas are standing on a pile of half naked dolls and action figures. Calvin is wearing scale amber sunglasses, and has a bandanna around his head to cover Jesus.

CALVIN
Ok, so we’re going to need a disguise… Agador, quit playing with those gummi bears, and help me pick out something.

MIMAS
So we’re stealing now?

CALVIN
It’s not stealing… we just need disguises to get past the elves. Once Santa gives us the mansion, the lifetime supply of chocolate, and the $65 million dollars. We’ll come back and pay what we owe. Besides you weren‘t complaining when we pulled this stuff off the shelves.

MIMAS
This is a bad idea Calvin.

CALVIN
You keep saying that, but you can’t tell me what I’m doing wrong.

MIMAS
You’re stealing!

CALVIN
No…I‘m borrowing from the wellspring of the universe. And, the universe is telling me you need to lighten up.(takes of the shades, flips them around and puts them on Mimas.)

As he’s talking Calvin grabs a red vest from the pile and puts it on, pulling the collar up dramatically. After quickly tossing an anarchist shirt to Agador Calvin picks up a hat. After trying the hat on he decides he doesn’t like it and places it on Mimas’s head. First pulling it over his head, then cocking it to the side.

CUT TO

INT.MALL SANTA’S LITTLE CORNER
The damage from earlier has been repaired and Santa is sitting comfortably on the candy cane colored throne like a king. Santa is wearing a big red suit and heavy boots of black. There is nothing remarkable about Santa’s outfit. In fact, what sets this Santa apart from all others is that he is wearing a mad hatter top hat with a bird’s skull next to the buckle of the hat band. The elf from earlier is escorting a young girl with brown hair tied into streamers on either side of her head.

ELF
Hey Santa. This is Megan.

SANTA
Ho ho ho! Why hello there. Why don’t you get up on Santa’s lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.

Megan gets settled on Santa’s lap.

MEGAN
Can I ask you a question?

SANTA
Of course, you can ask me anything you want.

MEGAN
Do you have an asshole?

SANTA
(looks shocked.)eh he. Wh-

MEGAN
(talking really fast.) I really wanna’ know, [be)cause Billy Whitmore said you didn’t have an asshole, and I said that’s impossible because everyone has an asshole, even Jesus, and then he said I was going to burn in hell cause I said Jesus had an asshole, and…

SANTA
Whoa. Slow down there little lady… now, I’m afraid that I can’t answer your question. But, it sounds like this Billy Whitmore kid is on the naughty list. Now, Is there anything special you would like for Christmas?

MEGAN
I don’t know, a hula hoop maybe.

CUT TO

INT.MALL ESCALTOR (near Santa’s little corner.)
CALVIN and the others are dressed in assorted doll outfits and hiding behind the banister of the escalator. the camera shows Calvin peaking around the corner Calvin confirms that Santa is sitting on his candy cane throne. We hear the roar of shoppers and Megan in the background repeatedly using the word asshole

CALVIN
Ok, so you all know the plan.

MIMAS
This is stupid. We’d have better luck disguising ourselves as tube socks and kidnapping Santa at gunpoint.

CALVIN
Oh shut up…(looks over shoulder and turns around) oh my god! Where’d he go?

AGADOR
(climbs up to the banister and sees Santa.)There he is! Santa’s going to the room with the smelly water fountains.

Calvin climbs up and pushes Agador out of the way. Agador almost falls off the banister.

CALVIN
The Bathroom? (looks back to Mimas and squeaky) C’mon Let’s go!

MIMAS
Yeah. I’d rather stay here, I’ve been blinded enough for one day.

CALVIN
Move out!

Calvin runs along the banister squeak follows along the ground. Calvin, in a mad rush to get to santa ignores Agador. Unfortunately, Agador slips off the banister and falls into the penny fountain bellow. Mimas hops onto the railing and looks to see if Aggie is alright. We see aggie surface and caugh up some water.


MIMAS
you okay?

AGADOR
(looks up)yeah, jump in the water’s fine.

Aggie gets hit on the head with a penny.

AGADOR
(cont’d) ouch(rubs sore) never mind.

Agador swims to the edge we see a second splash. Mimas surfaces and spits out some water and squirts it out through the chip in his teeth as Aggie shakes the water out of his fur. Mimas swims to the edge climbs out and shakes off fur.

MIMAS
I’m hungry… wanna’ grab a bite to eat?

AGADOR
But, we don’t have any money.

Mimas turns Agador’s head to the penny fountain. We see The bottom of the fountain is covered in an assortment of shiny coins. Mostly pennies. quarters, dimes, nickels, and a few random Mexican and Canadian coins sprinkled through out for authenticity.

AGADOR
(cont’d)It’s so pretty.

Another coin is thrown into the fountain.

MIMAS
Wow, I didn’t know people just throw their money away at the mall.

AGADOR
We’re going to buy so many jelly beans!

CUT TO

INT.UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
Calvin and Squeaky have entered the bathroom. Calvin pulls the shirt over his nose.


CALVIN
Chewie! This place smells awful.

Squeaky agrees, but lacks the gift of speech. Calvin tries to jump up to the sink and fails because it’s too high for him to reach.

CALVIN
(cont’d)Santa?… Santa you in here?

The door of a bathroom stall opens to reveal Santa… his belly fat is bursting from the suit and it appears Santa has gained twenty pounds. Santa appears drunk, belches and scratches himself inappropriately. Falling to the floor drunk as he exit’s the stall and lands on his butt.

SANTA B
Hullo floor.

CALVIN
(Exited)Santa!

SANTA B
(unintelligible) Roit you’re.

CALVIN
Huh?

SANTA B cocks his head to the side and looks at Calvin

SANTA B
Well Aoin’t you a cute lil’ nipper.

CALVIN
(confused) Nip per?



SANTA B
Well come ‘ere and tell Santa what you want.

Santa slaps his thigh, and gestures for Calvin to get closer.

CALVIN
I think I’d rather not.

SANTA B
Suit you self.

CALVIN
Is it true it true I can ask you for anything? Anything in the whole wide world?

SANTA B
Well, Santa’s magic is spread a bit thin at the moment. But, anything is possible to he who believes.

CALVIN
Okay, well first I want a lifetime supply of chocolate.

SANTA B
No you don’t.

CALVIN
Next I want a huge mansion with hot tubs, and a refrigerator, and um, and uh, a safe with $65 million dollars!

Santa puls out a flask and takes a swig. After closing one eye an inspecting the interior of the flask he then tilts the flask to reveal it’s totally empty.

SANTA B
A mansion? Really? That’s a lot of work. Santa’ll give you five dollars now if you bring him half a carafe of rum.


CALVIN
HaffaCroffo what now?

SANTA B
I want a half a carafe of rum, you know Bacardi, sweet ambrosia of the gods.

CALVIN
Is there anything you can just give me now?

Santa reaches into his pocket and produces a candy cane. He then hands it to Calvin.

SANTA B
Now r’mber don’t eat it all at once.

Santa pats Calvin on the head. Calvin looks disappointed.

CALVIN
Wow Santa, that’s kinda’ cheap.

CUT TO

EXT.MALL PENNY FOUNTAIN
Both Mimas and Agador are dripping we and each is carrying about two dollars in quarters. As they are walking agador slips and the as he falls forward the stack of quarters slide out in a line as a dealer would slide a deck of cards. Mimas stops as Agador recollects the quarters and both approach a candy shop where an angry man is holding a picket sign that says “don’t feed the fat people” Agador looks up to read the sign.

AGADOR
Donut feed the fat people… hey! I know you, you’re Santa.

Santa looks down to see Mimas and Agador. The two chipmunks holding quarters are dismissed as a woman and her son walk out of the candy shop.

SANTA
Hey, fatty. How does it feel to support communist China?

The woman smacks Santa.

SANTA
Bitch!

AGADOR
Gasp, that’s mean!

Santa looks down at the two chipmunks

SANTA
What you looking at?

MIMAS
Weren’t you just upstairs?

SANTA
Hey what I do on my off time is my own business.

People enter the candy shop.

SANTA
(con’t)hey fatty! Too much sugar will turn you into a booger.

Agador looks at Mimas.

AGADOR
Is that true?

MIMAS
I don’t know.

More people exit the candy shop.

SANTA
That’s a cute be-beh, mmmmm.

Santa rubs his tummy. Agador starts crying.

AGADOR
(panic) I don’t want to turn into a booger.

Mimas puts down his stack of quarters.


MIMAS
C’mon let’s go find Calvin.

AGADOR
But what about the jelly beans?

MIMAS
We’ll get them later, now come on…

Agador puts down his stack of quarters and chases after Mimas… but then he doubles back and stuffs four of the quarters in his mini dollie backpack befor running off camera.

CUT TO

INT.MALL STAIRCASE
Mimas is waiting for Agador, once Agador reaches the staircase, both chipmunks run up the stairs.

FADE OUT

To be continued…