SANTA VS. THE CHIPLETS BOOK ONE
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
by
Gabriel R. Lopez


Gabriel R. Lopez
gabbygt@z6.com
P.O. box 91061
Henderson, NV 89009



OPENING SCENE- we see a single squirrel/chipmunk, CALVIN, on a suburban sidewalk somewhere in the southwestern United States. The squirrel is wearing a bottle cap as a hat, and is humming the tune to song by the KGB. The squirrel then stops humming and starts singing aloud.

CALVIN
(singing) I’ve got lots of shiny objects, furry paws and lots of problems. Plotting furry plots to wreck the mix and turn us all into communists.

CUT TO




1.


EXT. TREE BRANCH 2
We see Calvin has gathered a large pile of acorns and the load is overbalanced. Calvin narrowly averts tripping over his feet twice as he continues singing with his eyes closed.

CALVIN
(singing) Another sucker down the line, another day another dime. Another page, another line

[THWAK!] Calvin is hit by an acorn that was thrown from another branch overhead. We see Calvin slip, throw all the acorns in the air, fall forward, and get clonked by the acorns he had gathered.

CALVIN
ow.

CHIPMUNK VOICE 2
(O.S.) Darn it Calvin!

CUT TO

EXT. TREE BRANCH 1
We see another squirrel, MIMAS, who appears irritated.

MIMAS
You were sleep walking again!

CALVIN
Was not!

MIMAS
Then what the heck were you doing up so early.


CALVIN
Not all of us are nocturnal you know.

MIMAS
I don’t care. It’s my quiet time, so get lost!


2.



(O.S) CHIPMUNK VOICE 3
Guys! Guys! Lookie what I found!

EXT. SUBURBAN SIDWALK
We see a third squirrel, AGADOR holding a personal media player. which at chipmunk scale is about the same size as a thirty inch plasma screen.

AGADOR
I think it’s a personal media player.

CALVIN
Cool! Let me see.

Calvin rushes down the trunk of the tree and takes the personal media player from Agador. Through an over the shoulder shot we can see Calvin press the power button and search through the on screen display, games, mp3, GPS, etc. We then cut two a cowboy two shot with Calvin, Agador, and the Media Player.

CALVIN
Let’s see, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Ozzy Osborne, Wheezer….who listens to this crap?

AGADOR
OOH! Urban Chipmunk. Play that one!

MEDIA PLAYER
(MP3) The devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin’ for a soul to steal…

AGADOR and CALVIN
Lame.

The camera pulls back to reveal a cat is looking over their shoulder. The cat, ready to pounce, twitches it‘s tail in anticipation. Calvin and Agador realize a feline three times their size is about to get them.




3.



AGADOR
RUN!

CALVIN
jerk!

Calvin complains and almost losses his balance and drops the media player, which at chipmunk scale is still the same size as a thirty inch plasma screen. Agador bolts, leaving Calvin with the Media Player. Calvin runs while holding the media player and tosses it before almost getting pounced and running up the tree to escape. Once in the tree Calvin regroups with Mimas and Agador. Agador is wheezing, and Mimas is holding an acorn, slightly confused. Calvin steals the acorn from Mimas and throws it at the Cat.


MIMAS
Hey!

AGADOR
What are you doing?

CALVIN
Hey ya’ stupid cat. You can’t get me. You can’t get me nyah, nyah, nya, nyah, nyah!

MIMAS
Calvin!

CALVIN
What?

MIMAS
Cat’s can climb trees stupid.

CALVIN
Hey, I’m not stupid, you’re stupid.

MIMAS
Evidently not as stupid as you.




4.


CALVIN
You’re just jealous ‘cause I can read.

AGADOR
(Scared) Uh…G-guys.

MIMAS and CALVIN
What!

AGADOR
She’s climbing up the tree!

CALVIN
Every man for himself!

Calvin and Mimas mash into each other running in opposite directions and fall from the branch they’re on onto the branch bellow. Mimas barely catches onto a stem of the branch and Calvin lands on the branch saddle sore. Agador rushes down the tree to help Mimas before the stem snaps. Meanwhile the cat has finally caught up to the trio.

AGADOR and MIMAS
(hugging in terror)eek!

Meanwhile Calvin, who is clinging to the underside of the same branch, grabs Mimas legs in an attempt to pull himself up and winds up dragging Mimas and Agador off the branch and all three fall grabbing onto a thin branch bellow. Agador and Mimas glare at Calvin.

CALVIN
Oh right, like this is my fault.

The thin branch snaps and the trio hit the ground bellow.

CALVIN
You know, we’re going to be laughing about this tomorrow.

MIMAS
You’re assuming I’ll let you live to see tomorrow.



5.



Mimas grabs Calvin and starts choking him Homer Simpson style.

CALVIN
(choking)gurk!

AGADOR
Guys, Stop!

MIMAS
Oh, I plan to stop. Just as soon as he stops moving.

AGADOR
But I don’t want to be breakfast!






Mimas stops choking Calvin as his eyes close and his body goes limp like a possum. A plop is heard as the cat drops from the tree. The cat licks her lips as she slowly approaches the trio near the sidewalk below. Mimas grabs Calvin and uses his Seemingly unconscious form as a body shield. Simultaneously, Agador backs away from the duo tripping over an acorn in the process and falls on his butt.

MIMAS
Take him! He’s delicious.

Calvin cracks open his eyes for a split second a look of hurt, betrayal, and curiosity crossing his face as he’s looking around surveying the area. The cat doesn’t move, an evil smirk on its face. The feline aggressor licks her lips. Turns his head to look at a nearby wooden fence.

CALVIN
Run!

The three chipmunks make a mad dash following Calvin as he approaches the fence.

CUT TO

.6

EXT.FENCE SUBURBAN HOME
The fence has a gap no wider than a peanut broken from the fence at the corner through which Calvin squeezes through easily. Mimas unfortunately gets stuck and Agador in a hurry rushes into him and pushes Mimas through, while crawling through the gap himself.

CUT TO

INT. FENCE SUBURBAN BACKYARD
The cat climbs over the fence and continues her chase as the three chipmunks are running over around and through assorted objects(hose, garden gnomes, flower bed, children’s toys, etc.) in the back yard. There is a hissing sound as the sprinkler system activates. Calvin’s is abruptly stopped when his head collides with the head of one of the sprinklers. The others catch up and help Calvin to his feet while continuing to run from the cat. Calvin regains his footing and is soon keeping pace with the others they soon make it to the gate leading from the back yard to the front of the property. Calvin, Mimas, and Agador easily slip through the three inch gap between the paved walkway and the gateway, the cat however finds herself stuck momentarily and loses ground.

The rodent trio rushes across the front yard, and dash up a ramp into an open U-Haul truck.

INT.U-HAUL TRUCK (back)
We see the cat slowly prowl up the ramp of the loaded U-haul. As the camera pans right we see three very wet chipmunks covered in mud, breathing heavily, and hiding behind a couch as their doom approaches. The cat is now moments away from snatching one of the rodents as breakfast.

(O.S.)WOMAN’S VOICE
Grither!

The woman climbs into the back of the U-Haul and pick up Grither.

GRITHER
Meow?





7.


WOMAN
(Gasp)Grither, You’re so filthy. Now I have to take you groomer right away.

The woman and the cat leave the U-Haul. Calvin, Mimas and Agador breath a sigh of relief.

Calvin
Thank heavens. Let’s get the heck out of here.

Darkness surrounds the trio as the door to the back of the U haul slide’s shut. The camera shifts to night vision green. There is a pause as Mimas and Agador glare at Calvin.

Calvin
Oh c‘mon guys. We didn’t need that place anyway.

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

CALVIN
(O.S.)Ok, so you’re probably wondering where we came from, or why we can talk. The simplest answer to both these questions is Satan. Of course that would be a lie. The truth is we were created in a laboratory. Cloned from chipmunk DNA as part of a privately funded research project by the RIAA.

INT. LABORATORY
Chipmunk perspective. We see an extreme close up of a human face warped by glass, plastic, etc.

GREG
They’re amazing!

The camera cuts to a cowboy shot of Greg leaning over the table peering through a clear plastic or glass shell. A scientist is standing behind him adjusting his glasses. Inside the shell the chipmunks are scratching themselves


8.


SCIENTIST
Indeed, of the 666 embryos we created in the lab these three were the only ones to survive to maturation.

GREG
Interesting, do they do anything?

SCIENTIST
We weren’t exactly clear on why the RIAA wanted to make them in the first place. In fact, the boys in the lab had a wager going to see if anyone from the RIAA was going to show up to see the final product. Guess I lost.




GREG
Well what the hell am I supposed to do with them?

SCIENTIST
Well, we could always euthanize them. But, it seems like a waste of thirteen billion dollars.

GREG
Go for it.

CALVIN
(mimicking Greg)Go for it.

GREG
Did he just talk?

CALVIN
Did he just tock?






9.

SCIENTIST
Yes, it seams to be a result of their genetic manipulation. They can mimic just about anything. My daughter likes the little one.

AGADOR
I’m sexy, I’m Cute, I’m popular to boot.

GREG
Do you think they know we’re talking about them?

SCIENTIST
I doubt it. Mostly they’re just-

MIMAS
Free the caterpillars, liberate the caterpillars.


CALVIN
Free the caterpillars!

AGADOR
Free the caterpillars!

SCIENTIST
...Annoying.

GREG
I don’t know, with the right marketing we can sell anything.

SCIENTIST
You expect people to pay money to hear squeaky munchkin voices.

GREG
We control 90% of the American music industry. America listens to what we tell them too.





10.


SCIENTIST
any way I can cash in on this as well?

CUT TO

EXT.RIAA HEADQUARTERS
We see a 2009 black Lexus hybrid enter past a security checkpoint. The driver, Greg, exchanges a few pleasantries with the guard before entering the facility. We then see the Lexus enter a reserved parking space. Greg then exit’s the car with a small cat carrier and walks up to the entrance, swipes a card and enters a 12 digit code. There is a beep and the door opens.







INT.RIAA HEADQUARTERS
Greg enters an elevator. And pushes button for the 3rd floor. While he’s waiting a hidden robotic arm detaches itself from the wall. The robotic arm has a scanner that passes over Greg’s body starting from his feet to the top of his head; revealing internal organs momentarily as it sweeps. After completing it’s initial sweep the scanner of the arm reconfigures itself momentarily morphing into a retinal scanner. After shining a laser across Greg’s eyes the arm retracts.

MECHANICAL VOICE
Greg Flanders, Confirmed.

The door to the elevator slides open and Greg exit’s the elevator. He then walks up to the reception desk.

GREG
Excuse me, I have a meeting with Mr.Halliburton.

MONICA
Go in, he’s been expecting you.



11.



Monica then pushes a button to unlock the door to Halliburton’s office. The double doors automatically open to the outside.

HALLIBURTON
Ah! Greg, to what do I owe this pleasure.

GREG
Sir, I’ve discovered who was responsible for the profit drain during the last quarter, and have eliminated the problem.

HALLIBURTON
Good job number one, I take it there is something else you wanted to discuss.


GREG
As a matter of fact, there is something I felt you should see.

Greg places the cat carrier on Halliburton’s desk and opens the gate. Calvin, Mimas, and Agador tentatively exit the cat carrier.


GREG
A few years ago someone from R&D decided to invest in vibro-acoustic aphrodisiacs, Memetic audio physics, and hypno-acoustic melodies. Unfortunately, after it was approved the whole project was apparently forgotten.

We see Calvin sitting patiently picking his nose. Mimas has apparently mummified himself with the tape dispenser and Agador is busy messing with the stapler





12.



HALLIBURTON
I see.

GREG
Allow me to present the Squirrel Nut Slackers!

CALVIN
Hey guys, Check out this green thing I pulled out of my nose.

Calvin stares amazed at the booger in the palm of his hand.

MIMAS
Cool!

Mimas trips over his feet as his left foot gets stuck on sticky tape and falls on his face.


AGADOR
Mine!

Agador rushes Calvin and eats the bugger off of Calvin’s palm. Mimas is still fiddling around with tape.

CALVIN
Eww!

MIMAS
(whining)Awe! I wanted some.

GREG
Boys!

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
What?

GREG
Show Mr.Halliburton the routine.






13.



CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
(dancing the kangaroo hop)Circle, circle, dot, dot I just got my cootie shot.

Once the chipmunks have their rhythm down they stop dancing and Calvin begins to sing.

CALVIN
Who’s the one to take you in at night, and told you everything was gonna be all white…

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
It was Mama.

CALVIN
And, who’s the one that would understand if you broke that vase in the living room.

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
It was Mama. Oh, mamma.

CAlVIN
And, who’s the one that wood undersand-

HALLIBURTON
I’ve heard enough. They can’t carry a tune.

GREG
They’ve already cost the company thirteen billion dollars, and I’ve only had them an hour. Imagine what we could accomplish if I had them for a week.








14.


HALLIBURTON
Get rid of them. They’re disgusting, and I can’t see anyone willing to pay hard earned money to see a bunch of mutant gerbils singing on stage.

GREG
That’s not a problem we could use view screens and-

HALLIBUTON
I’ll make this easy for you. I’ll contact PETA and they’ll do the job for us.

GREG
But sir, PETA kills the animals it rescues.


HALLIBUTON
What‘s your point?

GREG
Wouldn’t it be easier and more cost effective to abandon them in a park somewhere? I’m sure they wouldn’t last the night.

HALLIBURTON
I like the way you think.

FADE OUT

INT.U-HAUL TRUCK(back)
The door of the u-haul slides open and movers begin unloading the truck. A woman enters the truck, her name is KAELEA she‘s in her early 20‘s and is wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. she picks up a box marked fragile and is having a conversation with someone off camera.

KAELEA
Oh my god Kevin. I can’t believe you broke the microwave.


15.



KEVIN enters the U-haul. Also in his twenties he has a five o’clock shadow. He is wearing a muscle shirt, blue jeans, and hiking boots. A rolled up newspaper is poking out of his back pocket. Kevin picks up a box. On the box, one can see the word laserdiscs has been scratched out and replaced with kitchen.

KEVIN
What’s the big deal, we’ll just go to best buy and get a new one.

Kaelea places and balances the box marked fragile on top of the box Kevin is holding.

KAELEA
Oh right, like we can afford it after all the money we spent moving.


KEVIN
Oh please, they cost like fifty dollars, I’m sure I can pawn enough DVD’s to make up the difference.

KAELEA
Ha! We couldn’t even afford real movers.


Kevin leaves the van Kaelea picks up another box, and then immediately drops the box and shrieks when she sees Calvin, Mimas, and Agador. Calvin yawns and looks up to see the horrified Kaelea.

CALVIN
Mama?

MIMAS
Eh?






16.



Kaelea screams again reaching into her pocket she pulls out her keychain and fires mace at the chipmunks.

CALVIN,MIMAS and AGADOR
AHH!

Calvin covers his eyes immidiately as Agador uses Mimas as a human sheild by closing his eyes and huddling behind him.

MIMAS
My eyes!

CALVIN
My nose!

AGADOR
My neck!

while the chipmunks are screaming, The sound of broken glass can be heard coming in from outside the U-haul as Kevin rushes in.

KEVIN
What’s wrong?

Kaelea
(hyperventilating) Look.

Kevin sees the chipmunks.

KEVIN
It’s okay honey, calm down they’re just rats. I’m sure they’re more afraid of us than you are of them.


Kevin is comforting Kaelea by holding her. Mimas, his eyes shut, is wandering around with his arms out stretched ahead of him as if he is looking for something. Calvin helps Agador to his feet.

MIMAS
Calvin!



17.


CALVIN
Don’t worry buddy, I’m here for you.

KEVIN
(shocked) Jesus Christ, they can talk!

MIMAS
Good! (teeth clenched in pain)‘Cause I’m going to kick you’re-

Whap! Wap! Whap! Kevin swats MIMAS with the newspaper that was in his back pocket, but Kevin is unable to land blows on either Calvin or Agador as they dodge out of the way. Calvin and Agador gain some ground, no more than three feet before they realize somebody is missing.

CALVIN
Mimas?

AGADOR
Man Down!

Agador doubles back as Calvin continues down the ramp to escape. Calvin groans has a change of heart and doubles back up the ramp to help Agador. Kevin is busy trying to stomp Agador as Calvin jumps several boxes to get to Agador.

CALVIN
C’mon

AGADOR
No!

Stomp, thump, Calvin and Agador dodge the human, Calvin sees Mimas huddled in a corner rolled into a ball.

CALVIN
Get up, get up, get up!

Calvin tries to get Mimas to uncurl and pulls him by the arm. Mimas pulls his arm back and remains in ball form.




18.



MIMAS
Go away!

CALVIN
OK, you asked for it.

Calvin gets behind him and after a moment of struggle starts rolling him. Calvin then pushes Mimas toward the exit ramp like a giant ball. Once they get to the ramp Calvin gives a final push and Mimas rolls down to the bottom of the ramp and while uncurling and stops rolling with once he reaches the bottom. Calvin then doubles back to rescue Agador, who has been backed into a corner terrified, and is about to be stomped by the giant Kevin. With his right leg hiked in the air Kevin has no defense against Calvin. Calvin hops onto the back of Kevin’s left shoe, stuffs his head under the pant leg, and chomps down hard.

KEVIN
Yow!

Kevin, unbalanced, falls to the ground with a thud. Calvin and Agador bounce into the air, riding the shockwave of the impact. Calvin looks at Agador.

CALVIN
C’mon Lets go.

The two chipmunks exit the U-Haul and rundown the ramp as the screen fades to black.

FADE OUT


EXT.FLOWER BED NEAR GARBAGE CANS
The sky is cloudy, the daylight is dimmed considerably the three chipmunks are huddled together cold, wet, and scared.


CALVIN
Mimas, you ok.





19.



MIMAS
No. My eyes are all scratchy and everything looks like a mega white blur.

AGADOR
Achoo! Sniffle.

CALVIN
This is awful.

MIMAS
Maybe we should live out in the wild, like real chipmunks.

CALVIN
Are you out of your mind?



AGADOR
Seriously. We could live like hippies.

MIMAS
Yeah, and I bet the woods doesn’t have near as many cats, bears, or foxes roaming around.

CALVIN
Duh, that’s because there’s no food in the woods.

AGADOR
We don’t know that.

CALVIN
Oh yeah, well being homeless sucks.

MIMAS
We wouldn’t be homeless, we’d be living in the woods.




20.



CALVIN
It’s the same thing.

AGADOR
(has an idea)I know what we can do.

CALVIN
Really?

AGADOR
Well, I was thinking we could find a struggling artist, become his muse, and teach him the meaning of family. If we milk it right, we could probably ransack his house and mooch off of him for a few days.



Calvin
No. That’s just mean… and why does it have to be a guy.

MIMAS
Yeah, that’s a stupid idea.

CALVIN
I was thinking more along the lines of working for the burger hut.

MIMAS and AGADOR
Burger hut?

CALVIN
You know, the place where Greg abandoned us.

MIMAS
Oh yeah, just after he bought us three milkshakes and a box of French fries.




21.



AGADOR
Hey, look over there.

Agador runs off camera to find something.

CALVIN
Aggie, come back!

Calvin chases after him leaving Agador by himself.

AGADOR
Guys?

Agador wanders off in the direction the others wandered off too his arms outstretched like a blind man looking for his walking stick.

AGADOR
Guys?

FADE OUT

EXT.SMALL DOGGIE DOOR (random home)

AGADOR
Look at this, I’ve seen them before the humans use them to invite other animals into their home. Watch.

Calvin watches as Agador pushes the doggie door and it swings back and fourth. a waft of cool air exit’s the door.

CALVIN
I don’t know Aggie, something about this doesn‘t seem right.

AGADOR
Well look at the size of the door.

CALVIN
What’s you point?





22.


AGADOR
I don’t think a cat could fit through there.

Calvin realizes something and looks around.

CALVIN
Where’s Mimas?

CUT TO
EXT.ROAD
Mimas is wandering the street with his hands outstretched, still blinded from the pepper spray.

MIMAS
Guys, this isn’t funny anymore.

A Toyota Prius passes overhead, the car narrowly misses Mimas who trips over a large spyglass that was left in the middle of the road. Mimas picks up the bottom end of the spyglass. With the magnifying lens touching the roadway. Mimas is oblivious to the danger he is in because the Prius doesn’t give off much sound.


MIMAS
Hmm, I wonder what this thing is?

Mimas begins to lift the lens of the spyglass to his face. But is twirled around as yet another car passes overhead. Mimas remains oblivious to the danger he is in.

MIMAS
Wow, sure is windy today.

Mimas brings the lens to his face. A terrified look crosses his face, which is distorted by the magnifying lens.

MIMAS
AHH!

We then see POV shot of a giant DRAGONFLY though the spyglass, the camera pulls back to an over the shoulder view as the dragonfly flies up and over Mimas.



23.



We then see a wide field view that trails Mimas in a cowboy shot as he turns to follow the movement of the dragonfly with the spyglass.

the Dragonfly splatters on the side mirror of a pickup truck. Mimas blinks a few times in shock.

slowly turning back to the direction he was facing before the dragon fly was spattered. He sees a car approaching. The brakes squeal as Calvin rushes across the road and pushes Mimas to the ground. Both chipmunks narrowly avoiding the right front tire of the vehicle.

After regaining their breath Calvin and Mimas look at each other.

CALVIN
Don’t ever do that again.


MIMAS
Not a problem.

FADE OUT
To be continued…