Santa vs the Chiplets
By Gabriel R Lopez

OPENING SCENE- we see a single squirrel, CALVIN, on a suburban sidewalk somewhere in the southwestern United States. The squirrel is wearing a bottle cap as a hat, and is humming the tune to song by the KGB. The squirrel then stops humming and starts singing aloud.

CALVIN
(singing) I’ve got lots of shiny objects, furry paws and lots of problems. Plotting furry plots to wreck the mix and turn us all into communists.

CUT TO
EXT. TREE BRANCH 2
We see Calvin has gathered a large pile of acorns and the load is overbalanced. Calvin narrowly averts tripping over his feet twice as he continues singing with his eyes closed.

CALVIN
(singing) Another sucker down the line, another day another dime. Another page, another line

[THWAK!] Calvin is hit by an acorn that was thrown from another branch overhead. We see Calvin slip, throw all the acorns in the air, fall forward, and get clonked by the acorns he had gathered.

CALVIN
Owie

CHIPMUNK VOICE 2
(O.S.) Darn it Calvin!

CUT TO

EXT. TREE BRANCH 1
We see another squirrel, MIMAS, who appears irritated.

MIMAS
You were sleep walking again!

CALVIN
Was not!

MIMAS
Then what the hell were you doing up so early.


CALVIN
Not all of us are nocturnal you know.

MIMAS
I don’t care. It’s my quiet time, so get lost!

(O.S) CHIPMUNK VOICE 3
Guys! Guys! Lookie what I found!

EXT. SUBURBAN SIDWALK
We see a third squirrel, AGADOR holding a personal media player.

AGADOR
I think it’s a personal media player.

CALVIN
Cool! Let me see.

Calvin rushes down the trunk of the tree and takes the personal media player from Agador. Through an over the shoulder shot we can see Calvin press the power button and search through the on screen display, games, mp3, GPS, etc. We then cut two a cowboy two shot with Calvin, Agador, and the Media Player.

CALVIN
Let’s see, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Ozzy Osborne, Wheezer….who listens to this crap?

AGADOR
OOH! Urban Chipmunk. Play that one!

Media Player
(MP3) The devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin’ for a soul to steal…

AGADOR and CALVIN
Lame.

The camera pulls back to reveal a cat is looking over their shoulder. The cat, ready to pounce, twitches it‘s tail in anticipation. Calvin and Agador realize a feline three times their size is about to get them.

CALVIN
I hate the suburbs.

AGADOR
RUN!

Agador bolts, leaving Calvin with the Media Player. Calvin runs while holding the media player and tosses it before almost getting pounced and running up the tree to escape. Once in the tree Calvin regroups with Mimas and Agador. Agador is wheezing, and Mimas is holding an acorn, slightly confused. Calvin steals the acorn from Mimas and throws it at the Cat.


MIMAS
Hey!

AGADOR
What are you doing?

CALVIN
Hey ya’ stupid cat. You can’t get me. You can’t get me nyah, nyah, nya, nyah, nyah!

MIMAS
Calvin!

CALVIN
What?

MIMAS
Cat’s can climb trees stupid.

CALVIN
Hey, I’m not stupid you’re stupid.

MIMAS
Evidently not as stupid as you.

CALVIN
You’re just jealous ‘cause I can read.

AGADOR
(Scared) Uh…G-guys.

MIMAS and CALVIN
What!

AGADOR
She’s climbing up the tree!

CALVIN
Every man for himself!

Calvin and Mimas mash into each other running in opposite directions and fall from the branch they’re on onto the branch bellow. Mimas barely catches onto a stem of the branch and Calvin lands on the branch saddle sore. Agador rushes down the tree to help Mimas before the stem snaps. Meanwhile the cat has finally caught up to the trio.

AGADOR and MIMAS
(hugging in terror)eek!

Meanwhile Calvin, who is clinging to the underside of the same branch, grabs Mimas legs in an attempt to pull himself up and winds up dragging Mimas and Agador off the branch and all three fall grabbing onto a thin branch bellow. Agador and Mimas glare at Calvin.

CALVIN
Oh right, like this is my fault.

The thin branch snaps and the trio hit the ground bellow.

CALVIN
You know, we’re going to be laughing about this tomorrow.

MIMAS
You’re assuming I’ll let you live to see tomorrow.

Mimas grabs Calvin and starts choking him Homer Simpson style.

CALVIN
(choking)gurk!

AGADOR
Guys, Stop!

MIMAS
Oh, I plan to stop. Just as soon as he stops moving.

AGADOR
But I don’t want to be breakfast!

Mimas stops choking Calvin as his eyes close and his body goes limp like a possum. A plop is heard as the cat drops from the tree. The cat licks her lips as she slowly approaches the trio near the sidewalk below. Mimas grabs Calvin and uses his Seemingly unconscious form as a body shield. Simultaneously, Agador backs away from the duo tripping over an acorn in the process and falls on his butt.

MIMAS
Take him! He’s delicious.

Calvin cracks open his eyes for a split second a look of hurt, betrayal, and curiosity crossing his face as he’s looking around surveying the area. The cat doesn’t move, an evil smirk on its face. The feline aggressor licks her lips. Turns his head to look at a nearby wooden fence.

CALVIN
Run!

The three chipmunks make a mad dash following Calvin as he approaches the fence.

CUT TO
EXT.FENCE SUBURBAN HOME
The fence has a gap no wider than a peanut broken from the fence at the corner through which Calvin squeezes through easily. Mimas unfortunately gets stuck and Agador in a hurry rushes into him and pushes Mimas through, while crawling through the gap himself.

CUT TO

INT. FENCE SUBURBAN BACKYARD
The cat climbs over the fence and continues her chase as the three chipmunks are running over around and through assorted objects(hose, garden gnomes, flower bed, children’s toys, etc.) in the back yard. There is a hissing sound as the sprinkler system activates. Calvin’s is abruptly stopped when his head collides with the head of one of the sprinklers. The others catch up and help Calvin to his feet while continuing to run from the cat. Calvin regains his footing and is soon keeping pace with the others they soon make it to the gate leading from the back yard to the front of the property. Calvin, Mimas, and Agador easily slip through the three inch gap between the paved walkway and the gateway, the cat however finds herself stuck momentarily and loses ground.

The rodent trio rushes across the front yard, and dash up a ramp into an open U-Haul truck.

INT.U-HAUL TRUCK (back)
We see the cat slowly prowl up the ramp of the loaded U-haul. As the camera pans right we see three very wet chipmunks covered in mud, breathing heavily, and hiding behind a couch as their doom approaches. The cat is now moments away from snatching one of the rodents as breakfast.

WOMAN
(O.S.)Snowbelle!

The woman climbs into the back of the U-Haul and pick up Snowbelle.

SNOWBELLE
Meow?

WOMAN
(Gasp) You’re so filthy. I’ll have to take you groomer right away.

The woman and the cat leave the U-Haul. Calvin, Mimas and Agador breath a sigh of relief.

Calvin
Thank God. Let’s get the heck out of here.

Darkness surrounds the trio as the door to the back of the U haul slide’s shut. The camera shifts to night vision green. There is a pause as Mimas and Agador glare at Calvin.

Calvin
Oh c‘mon guys. We didn’t need that place anyway.

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

CALVIN
(O.S.)Ok, so you’re probably wondering where we came from, or why we can talk. The simplest answer to both these questions is Satan. Of course that would be a lie. The truth is we were created in a laboratory. Cloned from chipmunk DNA as part of a privately funded research project by the RIAA.

INT. LABORATORY
Chimunk perspective. We see an extreme close up of a human face warped by glass, plastic, etc.

GREG
They’re amazing!

The camera cuts to a cowboy shot of Greg leaning over the table peering through a clear plastic or glass shell. A scientist is standing behind him adjusting his glasses. Inside the shell the chipmunks are scratching themselves

SCIENTIST
Indeed, of the 666 embryos we created in the lab these three were the only ones to survive to maturation.

GREG
Interesting, do they do anything?

SCIENTIST
We weren’t exactly clear on why the RIAA wanted to make them in the first place. In fact, the boys in the lab had a wager going to see if anyone from the RIAA was going to show up to see the final product. Guess I lost.

GREG
Well what the hell am I supposed to do with them?

SCIENTIST
Well, we could always euthanize them. But, it seems like a waste of thirteen billion dollars.

GREG
Go for it.

CALVIN
(mimicking Greg)Go for it.

GREG
Did he just talk?

CALVIN
Did he just tock?

SCIENTIST
Yes, it seams to be a result of their genetic manipulation. They can mimic just about anything. My daughter likes the little one.

AGADOR
I’m sexy, I’m Cute, I’m popular to boot.

GREG
Do you think they know we’re talking about them?

SCIENTIST
I doubt it. Mostly they’re just-

MIMAS
Free the caterpillars, liberate the caterpillars.

CALVIN
Free the caterpillars!

AGADOR
Free the caterpillars!

SCIENTIST
...Annoying.

GREG
I don’t know, with the right marketing we can sell anything.

SCIENTIST
You expect people to pay money to hear squeaky munchkin voices.

GREG
We control 90% of the American music industry. America listens to what we tell them too.

SCIENTIST
any way I can cash in on this as well?

CUT TO

EXT.RIAA HEADQUARTERS
We see a 2009 black Lexus hybrid enter past a security checkpoint. The driver, Greg, exchanges a few pleasantries with the guard before entering the facility. We then see the Lexus enter a reserved parking space. Greg then exit’s the car with a small cat carrier and walks up to the entrance, swipes a card and enters a 12 digit code. There is a beep and the door opens.

INT.RIAA HEADQUARTERS
Greg enters an elevator. And pushes button for the 3rd floor. While he’s waiting a hidden robotic arm detaches itself from the wall. The robotic arm has a scanner that passes over Greg’s body starting from his feet to the top of his head; revealing internal organs momentarily as it sweeps. After completing it’s initial sweep the scanner of the arm reconfigures itself momentarily morphing into a retinal scanner. After shining a laser across Greg’s eyes the arm retracts.

MECHANICAL VOICE
Greg Flanders, Confirmed.

The door to the elevator slides open and Greg exit’s the elevator. He then walks up to the reception desk.

GREG
Excuse me, I have a meeting with Mr.Halliburton.

MONICA
Go in, he’s been expecting you.

Monica then pushes a button to unlock the door to Halliburton’s office. The double doors automatically open to the outside.

HALLIBURTON
Ah! Greg, to what do I owe this pleasure.

GREG
Sir, I’ve discovered who was responsible for the profit drain during the last quarter, and have eliminated the problem.

HALLIBURTON
Good job number one, I take it there is something else you wanted to discuss.

GREG
As a matter of fact, there is something I felt you should see.

Greg places the cat carrier on Halliburton’s desk and opens the gate. Calvin, Mimas, and Agador tenitively exit the



GREG
A few years ago someone from R&D decided to invest in vibro-acoustic aphrodisiacs, Memetic audio physics, and hypno-acoustic melodies. Unfortunately, after it was approved the whole project was apparently forgotten.

We see Calvin sitting patiently picking his nose. Mimas has apparently mummified himself with the tape dispenser and Agador is busy messing with the stapler

HALLIBURTON
I see.

GREG
Allow me to present the Squirriel nut Slackers!

CALVIN
Hey guys, Check out this green thing I pulled out of my nose.

Calvin stares amazed at the booger in the palm of his hand.

MIMAS
Cool! (Mimas trips over his feet and falls on his face)

AGADOR
Mine!

Agador zooms in and eats the bugger off of Calvins palm

CALVIN
Eww!

MIMAS
(whining)Awe! I wanted some.

GREG
Boys!

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
What?

GREG
Show Mr.Halliburton the routine.


CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
( dancing the kangaroo hop)Circle, circle, dot, dot I just got my cootie shot.

CALVIN
Who’s the one to tuck you in at night, and told you everything was right…

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
It was Mama.

CALVIN
And, who’s the one that would understand if you broke that vase in the living room.

CALVIN, MIMAS, and AGADOR
It was Mama. Oh, mamma.

CAlVIN
And, who’s the one that-

HALLIBURTON
I’ve heard enough. They can’t carry a tune.

GREG
They’ve already cost the company thirteen billion dollars, and I’ve only had them an hour. Imagine what we could accomplish if I had them for a week.

HALLIBURTON
Get rid of them. They’re disgusting, and I can’t see anyone willing to pay hard earned money to see a bunch of mutant gerbils singing on stage.

GREG
That’s not a problem we could use view screens and-

HALLIBUTON
I’ll make this easy for you. I’ll contact PETA and they’ll do the job for us.

GREG
But sir, PETA kills the animals it rescues.

HALLIBUTON
What‘s your point?