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GabrielsThoughts, June 24th 2009 9:47 pm

Trasformers 2 movie review I have seen many action movies in recent years, and I have to admit I will not sit through another Transformers movie. Transfomers 2: Rise of the fallen, should be well received by, Patriotic Sports Fans, and quite possibly young boys, and/ or returning soldiers might find this movie enjoyable. Moving at a pace similar to a football game, the Movie itself is _as good as_ the first movie. In fact, I would be hard pressed to say it was better. If I was a thirteen year old boy, I could honestly say the movie was as awesome as Pumpkinhead or that it was better than the Mario Brothers. Unfortunately, I am now a man of 26, and my childhood naivety has been shed onto the earth like a second skin. In my opinion, The Mummy 3, Terminator: Salvation and [shudders] Land of the Lost, are by leaps and bounds better than this movie. It’s only slightly better than last year’s Wanted, and to be honest, If I told you the humor in this film is roughly the same as you would find in an episode of ‘American Dad,’ I would be lying. The humor of the Transfomers 2 film is derived from jokes pertaining mostly to social stratification, and placing it in the low brow category would be an insult to cave peoples…no the humor in the film is derived from soft core erotica and ethnic stereotypes… Stereotypes and sub stereo types, memes and tropes. Watching the latest version of Transformers was like watching an extended version of Eagle Eye.


At three specific points in the film, the sound design was so horrible one could barely make out what was being said by the robots or the soldiers on the battlefields. However, I cannot determine if the fatal flaw was in the sound design, or possibly poor speakers within the theater itself… My intention was to watch Transfomerers 2: rise of the fallen on an IMAX screen at the Luxor. Sadly, the IMAX at Luxor has been closed down for at least 7 months. Which was a real surprise considering the three or four story billboard of Transformers they had plastered on the side of the building. Considering the nearest theater to the Luxor is at Mandalay Bay, that is just blatantly false advertising.

The intro consists of a mind numbing action sequence that isn’t worth mentioning, not because it doesn’t make sense, and not because it was so loud and full of so many explosions, and consisted of no dialog that would have made it easier to follow. I’m not mentioning it because it would require more than a second viewing to gather and analyze the finer points of what not to do when making an action scene. It was confusing to say the least.


The plot…. Spike finds a piece of the “all spark,” it (the all spark) then uses nanospores to upload a Datastream straight into Spike’s brain, it then burns his fingers, burns a hole though the floor, and falls thought the ceiling and zips into the kitchen before shutting down, it then immediately transforms all of the kitchen appliances, into evil gremlin like monsters…. Why all the robots are evil human hating monsters was never fully explained in the first movie; So I don’t know why I was expecting an explanation in this one.


The robots all head up the stairs where we see ‘Spike’ trying to put out the fire he started with the allspark fragment. The robots then shoot at him with the aim of a blind gopher as he, spike, valiantly flees out his 2nd story window and drops into his back yard uninjured and unharmed. The tiny robots continue firing with the accuracy of a drunken sailor and manage to hit the broad side of a barn where Bumblebee is parked… bumblebee then transforms and reveals his shooting accuracy is as accurate as the kitchen hardware from hell. Obviously, with a bigger gun BB manages to destroy all the little robots while simultaneously destroying the house…

Joke spoiler- Mojo is a either a Gay Chihuahua or he likes Big Girls, since Frankie is a unisex name in the United States I’m going to leave that one up to “your guess is as good as mine”

Anyway after the house is destroyed and spike’s parents get an all expenses paid vacation to France courtesy of the American taxpayers while the government cleans up the mess… Spike can’t take bumble bee to school with him because California college campuses are High Schools, which is ironic, when you consider status based on seniority (aka freshmen, sophomore, junior, and senior ) have no place in an actual college setting. Additionally, since when are freshmen not allowed to have cars??? Even in high school this would be a load of bullshit, so I’m just going to assume, or rather pretend that it was a ruse to keep BB away from the college. Although with some of the writing I’ve seen one can never tell. I can however spot a writer who has never participated in, nor has had an actual had days labor a day in their life, just as I can spot a writer that never spent more than a few days on a college campus. Of course, as mentioned before, the movie relies on stereotypes… and the college appears to be a stereotypical college seen in Movies, Disney sitcoms, and film, and appears to be nothing more. There’s no reality , just an illusion that is designed to relate more to the teenagers entering high school than one who has graduated…

Moving on, Spike appears to be suffering from a severe case of the Johnny mnemonics. He misses his online chat with his girlfriend, and hooks up with a Decepticon fembot at a campus bar…or frat party. They appear to hit it off, Spike gives her as ride to her dorm in the Bumblebee and the car smashes her face into the dashboard a few times before spitting on her and throwing her out of the car…apparently “Double B” was incapable of detecting a decepticon in the passengers seat, because the bot little cutie lives to strike another day.

Meanwhile Sound wave uses a military- satellite to ascertain the location of Megatron and the remaining allspark fragment (one of two identical fragments that are integral to the movie.) he then sends Cheetor and an army of Bakugan to retrieve the all spark. The all spark is then used to revive Megatron. Who is apparently a sub prime of a Fallen Prime…who along with Optimus is one of 7 primes that were created at the dawn of time.

Megatron Kills Optimus, the Decepticons reveal that there are aliens among us, Spike uses the second …and final fragment of the allspark to revive Jetfire, a stealth decepticon airship that was disguised as an American stealth aircraft, that was declassified in the late 80’s or early 90’s. As an American predecessor to the stealth bomber, I find it odd that the Transformed airship would have a cane and speak with a Scottish or Irish accent.

They all get transported to the Egyptian desert in theory, Having never been to Egypt I cannot be certain they’re in Egypt. Someone wonders if they’re near Las Vegas…which is probably a more accurate description of where they are located, because people in Hollywood like to pretend locations are where they say they are.

The movie lost my interest at this point , yet I suffered through the explanation of the matrix, the allspark’s evil counterpart that proved just as useless. For as soon as Spike picks up the Widget-McGuffin it evaporates into “pixy dust” _You head me,” Pixy dust, that was supposed to bring Optimus Prime back to life….because I guess he was too far gone for the All spark to do any more than revive his upgrades. Apparently, the Transformers are like chess pieces only a Prime can take out another Prime. Or so I’ve heard about “Queens” in chess. Which seems more likely than not a lack of imagination and a cheat if you ask me, but I digress after Spike dies ten feet from Optimus Prime’s cold lifeless body…he gets visited by the other ghosts of Primes’ past…you know the other six…or was it five… anyways the primes created at the dawn of time guide Spike back to the world of the living, so he can revive Optimus Prime… Jet fire then rips out is own heart, or techno organic equivalents and tells Optimus to use his body for spare parts.

Optimus then upgrades to Optimal Optimus prime and takes out Decepticon air, Megatron and Fallen prime… and I will never watch another Live action transformers movie again. I don’t care if there is a sequel, they lost me as a customer. Not because it was a bad movie, but because there is a serious problem with a movie if the reviewer wants to leave halfway though the engagement. Especially after I thought everything wrong with the first movie was a fluke, and that all they needed, whomever they are, needed a second chance to get it right. And, while I can see a lot of effort went into the action scenes (if nothing else) I was dissatisfied with the final product.

Personally, I’d say giving it 2 out of 5 stars is more than generous. It was a valiant effort, But I think I shall never see another Transformers movie unless its animated, or unless I’m the one producing, or directing it.

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